sometimes i think too much (oahu 2023-10-19)

When I woke up, it was dark. I wasn't excited, but I wasn't nervous either. Part of it was fatigue, I'm sure. It was sometime past 5 am, but before 5:15 am. Even though I don't remember the exact time, I remember that I'd beaten my alarm again.
 

Part of it was knowing myself too well. There's been very few times where I've enjoyed traveling—there's always just that vague lack of something you'd hoped for, a something you don't know how to put to words. The feeling of your heart beating faster, of a slow glow heat that spreads through your veins, of remembering the brilliance of the world. Maybe no one ever feels these things, maybe they are a false promise told by my friends who seem to love travel so much, or by the oversaturated vacation ads I can't seem to escape. I know it's my fault for expecting fantasies. Still. I don't need that much. I just want a gentle reminder that I'm alive. 

( braingarbage )