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I was still kicking myself some 30 minutes later, while driving around looking for parking. Another example of why I shouldn't talk to people. In the moment, I am very good at saying the wrong thing. It's almost a skill.
Luckily? Luckily, I was distracted from the please-don't-text-me-i-have-raegrets situation by the parking situation. I'd already stopped at three spots, only to find out that they were all coin-meter only. I had no coins. I was also sure, despite no proof otherwise, that I could get by without coins. I'd started making larger, maybe more desperate loops around the block when I chanced upon a Whole Foods. With a whole! free! parking lot! of its own. Should I be surprised that the only free parking I could find was at a Whole Foods... But thank you, bougie grocery store. I owe you one.
( a collection of mid moments )
Luckily? Luckily, I was distracted from the please-don't-text-me-i-have-raegrets situation by the parking situation. I'd already stopped at three spots, only to find out that they were all coin-meter only. I had no coins. I was also sure, despite no proof otherwise, that I could get by without coins. I'd started making larger, maybe more desperate loops around the block when I chanced upon a Whole Foods. With a whole! free! parking lot! of its own. Should I be surprised that the only free parking I could find was at a Whole Foods... But thank you, bougie grocery store. I owe you one.
( a collection of mid moments )
kayaking at kailua beach
I woke up early. I was still on California time. A brief wave of pensiveness caught me, and I thought, it's not too late to not go. Or to do something I'm more used to, like hiking, walking around. I didn't know how to kayak. I've only been once or twice, with others, in calm waters. But what I did know was why I was hesitating, even at the last. It wasn't because of not knowing enough, or even possible danger. I was scared to make a fool of myself.
Knowing this pushed me out of bed and out of my hotel room. I couldn't keep hesitating like this, over every small feeling of reluctance. Wasn't this a piece of why I was here? Aside from vacation and escapism and pretending I didn't have to return to work ever. To prove to myself that I could be alone and not afraid. Well, not afraid was probably too much to ask, but if I could move myself through this world despite whatever unfounded fears I held, that would be worth just as much.
( attempting to paddle around )
I woke up early. I was still on California time. A brief wave of pensiveness caught me, and I thought, it's not too late to not go. Or to do something I'm more used to, like hiking, walking around. I didn't know how to kayak. I've only been once or twice, with others, in calm waters. But what I did know was why I was hesitating, even at the last. It wasn't because of not knowing enough, or even possible danger. I was scared to make a fool of myself.
Knowing this pushed me out of bed and out of my hotel room. I couldn't keep hesitating like this, over every small feeling of reluctance. Wasn't this a piece of why I was here? Aside from vacation and escapism and pretending I didn't have to return to work ever. To prove to myself that I could be alone and not afraid. Well, not afraid was probably too much to ask, but if I could move myself through this world despite whatever unfounded fears I held, that would be worth just as much.
( attempting to paddle around )
I have an aversion to driving anywhere with a lot of people or a lot of cars. And a lot doesn't mean rush hour. Pretty much every major metropolitan city falls into my range, and most smaller cities besides. So after my roommate dropped me off after diamond head, I made a not-all-that-surprising decision to walk from my hotel to my dinner reservation—one of two dinner reservations I'd made for the trip.
( 10/10, would go again, amazing, fancy food that actually felt worth it (more than worth it) )
( 10/10, would go again, amazing, fancy food that actually felt worth it (more than worth it) )
I slept straight through the night, waking up a little before my alarm at 5:30. The time difference helped me out. I was tired, but no more than the normal amount from after a flight. I was pretty sure that the "try to arrive 30 minutes before the tour" was an exaggeration meant to keep anyone from arriving late, but I still left early.
I felt antsy, unsure of myself. Maybe I shouldn't have booked a tour. Would I have to talk to the other passengers or the crew? Why did even the idea of that, when I had no idea how many other people there were, or what kind of people they were, when they could've been swapped out with amorphous black blobs, fill me with dread?
Stepping out into the cool morning air helped. Even this early, before the sun was fully out, it wasn't cold. The buildings around me were still tinged with a shadowy blue, and driving by the green-blue sea felt like moving through a dream.
( in which i see sea turtles and white people )
( yay! )
I felt antsy, unsure of myself. Maybe I shouldn't have booked a tour. Would I have to talk to the other passengers or the crew? Why did even the idea of that, when I had no idea how many other people there were, or what kind of people they were, when they could've been swapped out with amorphous black blobs, fill me with dread?
Stepping out into the cool morning air helped. Even this early, before the sun was fully out, it wasn't cold. The buildings around me were still tinged with a shadowy blue, and driving by the green-blue sea felt like moving through a dream.
( in which i see sea turtles and white people )
( yay! )
snapshots of the coast (oahu 2023-10-19)
Nov. 7th, 2023 10:54 pmWe landed around 11am local time. I was tired, but not too much. Actually, I was feeling better than I'd expect to after a plane ride. Oahu's airport is interesting: a lot of walkways between the different buildings are outdoors, and within a minute of exiting the gate we'd stepped into balmy near-noon heat. I'd forgotten what humidity feels like. I'd say the humidity of Oahu in October was a gentle reintroduction, nothing crazy compared to the muggy summers in Asia, but at the same time, still far from my ideal.
(Not that this is saying much... I am a weak creature—I only thrive in the temperature range of 55-70 F, and I don't know what humidity is.)
I was lucky enough to watch my roommate rent a car (lucky, since I'd be renting my own car for the first time later that day, and was feeling stupidly nervous about it. Logistics psych me out), and luckier still that he'd offered to drive us both around for the rest of the day. Especially this day, when our first stint on the road was a 40 minute drive out to the other side of the island.
Even on this drive, I thought, this place is beautiful. Stupid beautiful, the kind that slaps you in the face. We passed by lush and green mountains, emerged from a highway tunnel to see a sweeping emerald blue sea.
The drive still felt long, but not so long, like this.
( fucking delicious, take me back )
( traversing the coast )
( poke time )
(Not that this is saying much... I am a weak creature—I only thrive in the temperature range of 55-70 F, and I don't know what humidity is.)
I was lucky enough to watch my roommate rent a car (lucky, since I'd be renting my own car for the first time later that day, and was feeling stupidly nervous about it. Logistics psych me out), and luckier still that he'd offered to drive us both around for the rest of the day. Especially this day, when our first stint on the road was a 40 minute drive out to the other side of the island.
Even on this drive, I thought, this place is beautiful. Stupid beautiful, the kind that slaps you in the face. We passed by lush and green mountains, emerged from a highway tunnel to see a sweeping emerald blue sea.
The drive still felt long, but not so long, like this.
( fucking delicious, take me back )
( traversing the coast )
( poke time )
When I woke up, it was dark. I wasn't excited, but I wasn't nervous either. Part of it was fatigue, I'm sure. It was sometime past 5 am, but before 5:15 am. Even though I don't remember the exact time, I remember that I'd beaten my alarm again.
Part of it was knowing myself too well. There's been very few times where I've enjoyed traveling—there's always just that vague lack of something you'd hoped for, a something you don't know how to put to words. The feeling of your heart beating faster, of a slow glow heat that spreads through your veins, of remembering the brilliance of the world. Maybe no one ever feels these things, maybe they are a false promise told by my friends who seem to love travel so much, or by the oversaturated vacation ads I can't seem to escape. I know it's my fault for expecting fantasies. Still. I don't need that much. I just want a gentle reminder that I'm alive. ( braingarbage )