i'm the only one
Apr. 3rd, 2025 10:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cheezI've realized that maybe it's in both of our best interest to give up on this. Maybe we're too different and what we want is too different too.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who thinks about this so much. Who feels conflicted. Who hurts and has hurt. I think it still bothers me that going no contact "made him realize what he wanted". If that was what it took, despite me being myself, being there the whole time, maybe he doesn't want me all that much. I still don't really believe he does. Want *me*, I mean. Maybe it's more that he wants someone to be around, and I am someone convenient, easy, available. Sometimes, it really doesn't feel like it has to be me. It feels like it could be anyone.
I just happen to be here, right now. Easy companionship, easy sex. And it's not like I don't want that too. It's not like I'm not lonely, like I'm not into the hanging out, or the sex.
But if after all this time he's still unsure about me, I doubt that's going to change. And maybe I deserve to be with someone who is sure about me. Even if I don't know if I will be able to find someone like that, maybe it's worth it to try. And him too, I think he deserves to be with someone he feels sure about.
I just. I don't want to lose him yet.
It bothers me too that him, us, this thing of ours takes up so much of my mental space. And I doubt that the idea of us, and how little chance there is of us working out, crosses his mind often. Or that it bothers him as much as it does me.
Sometimes I wish these feelings would go away. Then I could stop clinging onto the sliver of hope that we might work out, and let it all go. I want to walk away. I don't want to be in this ambiguous space anymore, where this clawing wanting digs its little teeth into the crevices of my heart and chews and chews. I thought I had made my peace with this, that I was okay to see where things go, but I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe it's not worth feeling like I'm not good enough, that I can't be wanted, that I'm being kept around twiddling my thumbs while he figures himself out.
I know I don't have to stay around. I know I'm making my own choice here, that no one is making me do anything I don't want to.
And I keep wondering if it's time to say goodbye. It feels like it's slowly reaching that point. I just...don't want to.
It makes me sad thinking about it. But a part of me also feels like sooner or later I will have to, and if I have to eventually, why not walk away now? Have things really changed much from before? Will they change much from here on out?
I don't know. And so maybe I'm staying just for a chance. A chance with a guy who after over a year is not 100% certain about me. Doesn't that just mean we should let each other go? So why can't I? Why doesn't he?
This goddamned hope. Emotions make me so stupid.
I think... I need to let this go. Maybe in a few months. Let's say the end of June. Or July. If he's not ready by then to commit to me, maybe it's time to move on. Let's be brave. Let's say it's okay, let's make peace with it. Some things are not meant to be, and that's okay. We can't force things.
But even though I say that, I don't know if I'll be able to when the time comes. But at least I've told myself this. At least I've put it down in writing. Writing that no one can hold me to, but writing is better than nothing.
An ending is a new beginning, or whatever the hell they like to say. And this time I'd like to think I can truly force myself to walk away. To go no contact until the emotions die down and we can talk without me feeling this way about him. And that even before then that I can look back on everything with a smile, and think about the fun times we had together.
Sometimes I wonder if the child thing is just an excuse to avoid something more serious with me, though I don't think it is. That's another thing. I think he truly does want to be a parent, and I am very very uncertain. I definitely definitely don't want to be pregnant or give birth to a child.
Surrogacy and adoption I... could consider. But that prohibitively expensive price tag on surrogacy though...
I have never allowed myself to consider this before. From when I was young, always in my head when I thought about children, I would think, if a child turned out like my brother, strange, ungrateful, spoiled, unable to socialize with...anyone, really, but not at his core a bad person, I would hate myself and hate my life. Now that I'm older I do feel like some of what he became is what the world told him he was, that I wasn't faultless in this, and I wonder too if he has autism or a similar condition that made everything harder for him. If things could've turned out differently if his environment had been different. If he'd had a single friend. But even still it is true. I don't have the emotional or mental strength to care for someone like him. I would be miserable.
But for the first time I've allowed myself to think that it doesn't have to turn out that way. That there might be an ideal world where I have a partner who I love who loves me, and we have a child we love who loves us, who plays with our friends' children, who grows up to have a happy, fulfilling life of their own.
But there's so many more ways it could go wrong. A child is a bigger gamble than any card game. And at the end of all those losing paths is resentment and misery.
Especially for us. There's so many reasons why we would be bad parents together, aside from me never wanting children before. Neither of us are great at scheduling and planning. We're both bad communicators and he's worse. Both of us can barely cook. Financially it would be tough. His spending habits aren't great. He hasn't gone to a doctor in over a decade—so realistically, would I be able to rely on him to handle a child's medical care?
I refuse to be stuck carrying most of the weight of child rearing the way my mom was, working full-time and doing most of the cooking and cleaning, and I don't know if I trust that he'd be an equal partner. I know he said he would, but much easier said than done. I have no proof of that.
It makes me really sad to think of it, but it does feel like we aren't going to make it.
I have to be ready to say goodbye.
I don't know if I can.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who thinks about this so much. Who feels conflicted. Who hurts and has hurt. I think it still bothers me that going no contact "made him realize what he wanted". If that was what it took, despite me being myself, being there the whole time, maybe he doesn't want me all that much. I still don't really believe he does. Want *me*, I mean. Maybe it's more that he wants someone to be around, and I am someone convenient, easy, available. Sometimes, it really doesn't feel like it has to be me. It feels like it could be anyone.
I just happen to be here, right now. Easy companionship, easy sex. And it's not like I don't want that too. It's not like I'm not lonely, like I'm not into the hanging out, or the sex.
But if after all this time he's still unsure about me, I doubt that's going to change. And maybe I deserve to be with someone who is sure about me. Even if I don't know if I will be able to find someone like that, maybe it's worth it to try. And him too, I think he deserves to be with someone he feels sure about.
I just. I don't want to lose him yet.
It bothers me too that him, us, this thing of ours takes up so much of my mental space. And I doubt that the idea of us, and how little chance there is of us working out, crosses his mind often. Or that it bothers him as much as it does me.
Sometimes I wish these feelings would go away. Then I could stop clinging onto the sliver of hope that we might work out, and let it all go. I want to walk away. I don't want to be in this ambiguous space anymore, where this clawing wanting digs its little teeth into the crevices of my heart and chews and chews. I thought I had made my peace with this, that I was okay to see where things go, but I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe it's not worth feeling like I'm not good enough, that I can't be wanted, that I'm being kept around twiddling my thumbs while he figures himself out.
I know I don't have to stay around. I know I'm making my own choice here, that no one is making me do anything I don't want to.
And I keep wondering if it's time to say goodbye. It feels like it's slowly reaching that point. I just...don't want to.
It makes me sad thinking about it. But a part of me also feels like sooner or later I will have to, and if I have to eventually, why not walk away now? Have things really changed much from before? Will they change much from here on out?
I don't know. And so maybe I'm staying just for a chance. A chance with a guy who after over a year is not 100% certain about me. Doesn't that just mean we should let each other go? So why can't I? Why doesn't he?
This goddamned hope. Emotions make me so stupid.
I think... I need to let this go. Maybe in a few months. Let's say the end of June. Or July. If he's not ready by then to commit to me, maybe it's time to move on. Let's be brave. Let's say it's okay, let's make peace with it. Some things are not meant to be, and that's okay. We can't force things.
But even though I say that, I don't know if I'll be able to when the time comes. But at least I've told myself this. At least I've put it down in writing. Writing that no one can hold me to, but writing is better than nothing.
An ending is a new beginning, or whatever the hell they like to say. And this time I'd like to think I can truly force myself to walk away. To go no contact until the emotions die down and we can talk without me feeling this way about him. And that even before then that I can look back on everything with a smile, and think about the fun times we had together.
Sometimes I wonder if the child thing is just an excuse to avoid something more serious with me, though I don't think it is. That's another thing. I think he truly does want to be a parent, and I am very very uncertain. I definitely definitely don't want to be pregnant or give birth to a child.
Surrogacy and adoption I... could consider. But that prohibitively expensive price tag on surrogacy though...
I have never allowed myself to consider this before. From when I was young, always in my head when I thought about children, I would think, if a child turned out like my brother, strange, ungrateful, spoiled, unable to socialize with...anyone, really, but not at his core a bad person, I would hate myself and hate my life. Now that I'm older I do feel like some of what he became is what the world told him he was, that I wasn't faultless in this, and I wonder too if he has autism or a similar condition that made everything harder for him. If things could've turned out differently if his environment had been different. If he'd had a single friend. But even still it is true. I don't have the emotional or mental strength to care for someone like him. I would be miserable.
But for the first time I've allowed myself to think that it doesn't have to turn out that way. That there might be an ideal world where I have a partner who I love who loves me, and we have a child we love who loves us, who plays with our friends' children, who grows up to have a happy, fulfilling life of their own.
But there's so many more ways it could go wrong. A child is a bigger gamble than any card game. And at the end of all those losing paths is resentment and misery.
Especially for us. There's so many reasons why we would be bad parents together, aside from me never wanting children before. Neither of us are great at scheduling and planning. We're both bad communicators and he's worse. Both of us can barely cook. Financially it would be tough. His spending habits aren't great. He hasn't gone to a doctor in over a decade—so realistically, would I be able to rely on him to handle a child's medical care?
I refuse to be stuck carrying most of the weight of child rearing the way my mom was, working full-time and doing most of the cooking and cleaning, and I don't know if I trust that he'd be an equal partner. I know he said he would, but much easier said than done. I have no proof of that.
It makes me really sad to think of it, but it does feel like we aren't going to make it.
I have to be ready to say goodbye.
I don't know if I can.
