some things are clearer now
Feb. 3rd, 2025 07:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cheezSome things are clearer now. Whether or not he wants to be real friends? That's not really clear. I think there's a chance he does, but I don't think he understands—or maybe it's that he doesn't care—that if we're hooking up when he meets his next girl, there's very little chance we can stay friends when they're together.
I'm starting to think it's more the latter—he doesn't care. Or more that the doesn't care enough to give up the sex. Either way, the result is the same, and I can't really be bothered to figure out which. I won't say it doesn't matter to me at all. The idea of maintaining a friendship did feel...nice. But a real friendship takes time, isn't one-sided, and while I do think that there can be platonic friendship and sex at the same time, I think you have to want the friendship part too. You have to work for it. You have to care. And while I think he does a little of all of the above, I don't think it's enough for me. My friendships matter a lot to me, and after everything, he's more between a 'friend' and a 'friendquaintance' now. Not quite a friendquaintance because he knows too many intimate details about my life, but he has been removed from the inner circle. It was a fool move to let him in there in the first place.
Time will tell if he makes it back into a place closer to me. I kind of suspect it's not going to happen, and that thought... actually doesn't make me sad, which is nice. I think reconnecting has helped. Because it's clear now neither of us wants to go back to that painful but beautiful space of limerence I used to live in. A space between love and friendship, that was never meant to last.
Oddly, I feel kind of removed from it all. Things feel more clear now. That he cares for me in a friend-ish way, aka hopes for my wellbeing/happiness, would cheer on my life accomplishments and wants to spend time together, but also that he has always cared more about what he wants than how what he wants might affect me. I don't begrudge this necessarily, since people in general will put themselves first, and I think that's fine and generally healthy as long as you're not hurting someone else. But that isn't something I want in a lover, and it is helping quash any lingering feelings of want. They feel smaller and smaller by the day :D.
I'm glad too that he isn't completely acting like nothing happened, which I thought he might. He is trying harder this time around not to hurt me, to ask me if things are okay. He spoke up first this time, 'I don't want to cross any lines with you and I want to make sure things feel casual. Let me know if anything bothers you.'
That part has been good. The distance feels more real, and more safe.
I feel like he does want friendship, but if he can get it he also wants to eventually start hooking up again. I think for him there's no conflict between being friends and hooking up. Friendships are easy for him. And if he can get free conversation, company, cuddles, closeness with someone in the interim between relationships, all the better.
The problem is I'm not good at making friends. So I place high value on friendships, and even getting too attached in a friend way could be a problem. Because when I get attached as a friend I don't want to be thrown away when it's inconvenient and reached out to again when it's convenient. So for now, I'm not putting in much effort on my side. He can contact me, we can hang out, he can send me memes, but I haven't felt too much like reaching out first myself.
Because I don't know yet if we can be friends. I need time. I'm also trying to decide if this is something I want in my life, if there is no friendship in the picture. Because it's not like I don't want the sex or the company. I do. So it could be convenient for me too. Especially since I'm still injured so I don't really want to look for anyone else yet. Navigating the sex part would be hard with someone new.
But the thing is, right now I could walk away and it wouldn't hurt me much. If we become real friends, it would hurt me. So I'm unsure. And while I'm unsure I'm just going to keep it here, at a distance. I think it's okay for me to be the selfish one this time, to get what I want out of it and do nothing more.
To give little of myself, if anything.
I'm also kind of hoping he finds someone soon? Because I think it would give me more clarity too.
I'm starting to think it's more the latter—he doesn't care. Or more that the doesn't care enough to give up the sex. Either way, the result is the same, and I can't really be bothered to figure out which. I won't say it doesn't matter to me at all. The idea of maintaining a friendship did feel...nice. But a real friendship takes time, isn't one-sided, and while I do think that there can be platonic friendship and sex at the same time, I think you have to want the friendship part too. You have to work for it. You have to care. And while I think he does a little of all of the above, I don't think it's enough for me. My friendships matter a lot to me, and after everything, he's more between a 'friend' and a 'friendquaintance' now. Not quite a friendquaintance because he knows too many intimate details about my life, but he has been removed from the inner circle. It was a fool move to let him in there in the first place.
Time will tell if he makes it back into a place closer to me. I kind of suspect it's not going to happen, and that thought... actually doesn't make me sad, which is nice. I think reconnecting has helped. Because it's clear now neither of us wants to go back to that painful but beautiful space of limerence I used to live in. A space between love and friendship, that was never meant to last.
Oddly, I feel kind of removed from it all. Things feel more clear now. That he cares for me in a friend-ish way, aka hopes for my wellbeing/happiness, would cheer on my life accomplishments and wants to spend time together, but also that he has always cared more about what he wants than how what he wants might affect me. I don't begrudge this necessarily, since people in general will put themselves first, and I think that's fine and generally healthy as long as you're not hurting someone else. But that isn't something I want in a lover, and it is helping quash any lingering feelings of want. They feel smaller and smaller by the day :D.
I'm glad too that he isn't completely acting like nothing happened, which I thought he might. He is trying harder this time around not to hurt me, to ask me if things are okay. He spoke up first this time, 'I don't want to cross any lines with you and I want to make sure things feel casual. Let me know if anything bothers you.'
That part has been good. The distance feels more real, and more safe.
I feel like he does want friendship, but if he can get it he also wants to eventually start hooking up again. I think for him there's no conflict between being friends and hooking up. Friendships are easy for him. And if he can get free conversation, company, cuddles, closeness with someone in the interim between relationships, all the better.
The problem is I'm not good at making friends. So I place high value on friendships, and even getting too attached in a friend way could be a problem. Because when I get attached as a friend I don't want to be thrown away when it's inconvenient and reached out to again when it's convenient. So for now, I'm not putting in much effort on my side. He can contact me, we can hang out, he can send me memes, but I haven't felt too much like reaching out first myself.
Because I don't know yet if we can be friends. I need time. I'm also trying to decide if this is something I want in my life, if there is no friendship in the picture. Because it's not like I don't want the sex or the company. I do. So it could be convenient for me too. Especially since I'm still injured so I don't really want to look for anyone else yet. Navigating the sex part would be hard with someone new.
But the thing is, right now I could walk away and it wouldn't hurt me much. If we become real friends, it would hurt me. So I'm unsure. And while I'm unsure I'm just going to keep it here, at a distance. I think it's okay for me to be the selfish one this time, to get what I want out of it and do nothing more.
To give little of myself, if anything.
I'm also kind of hoping he finds someone soon? Because I think it would give me more clarity too.
